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VOL. 133 | NO. 168 | Friday, August 24, 2018

Dan Conaway

Dan Conaway

As We Age, Humor May Be The Best Way To Deal With The Consequences

Dan Conaway

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FUNNY THING ABOUT GETTING OLD. I wrote about getting a nerve block for my back a few weeks ago. Well, it seems that nerve blocks are like Nora’s mayonnaise; sometimes it just doesn’t turn out. I was feeling sorry for myself when an email from friend Gene showed up with some funny stuff from old friends we don’t hear much from anymore.

Like this apropos offering from Phyllis Diller, “I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.” And she wasn’t through, “Talk about getting old. I was getting dressed and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look, and pulled down the shade.”

Will Rogers made a couple of observations: “We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.” And this, “When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of algebra.”

From George Burns: “Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.” And, “At my age, flowers scare me.”

And another, “I’m so old that when I order a three-minute egg, they ask for the money up front.” And yet one more, “People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my 87th birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.”

Erma Bombeck laments, “The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.” And while we’re on the subject, here’s Rodney Dangerfield, “I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.”

Look, here’s George Burns again, “When I was a boy, the Dead Sea was only sick.”

Rita Rudner remembers her grandmother, “My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.”

Deep thoughts: First, from Kurt Vonnegut, “True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.” Then, Billy Crystal, “By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.” And then, Claude Pepper, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.”

Two different thoughts on birthday candles: Bob Hope, “You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.” And Jerry Seinfeld, “You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‘See if you can blow this out’”

Even Agatha Christie – not known as a barrel of laughs – checked in: “An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her.”

Let’s not forget the one from sender friend Gene himself at the top of the email introducing the list: “Many of these are new to me…or maybe I just can’t remember.”

I’m a Memphian, and I’ll let George Carlin close for me, “So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.”

Dan Conaway, a communication strategist and author of “I’m a Memphian,” can be reached at dan@wakesomebodyup.com.

PROPERTY SALES 61 61 6,453
MORTGAGES 46 46 4,081
BUILDING PERMITS 113 113 15,474
BANKRUPTCIES 19 19 3,289