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VOL. 132 | NO. 233 | Thursday, November 23, 2017

Dan Conaway

Dan Conaway

Good Morning

By Dan Conaway

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RANDOM OBSERVATIONS OF A MORNING. As I write this, I’m out of town and just finished reading an email from friend Gene. He was sharing a few deep thoughts and life questions people have shared with him. Since I found several of them funny enough to spill my coffee on my hosts’ floor and read out loud to people who just woke up, I think I’ll just turn this week’s column over to Gene and get some more coffee.

On relationships …

“My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.”

“I think my neighbor is stalking me. She’s been Googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.”

“The pharmacist asked me my birthdate again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.”

“Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?”

Self-awareness …

“My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.” 

“You’re not fat, you’re just easier to see.”

“My 60-year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.”

Revelations …

“Money talks. Mine pretty much says goodbye.”

“If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.”

“Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?”

“I think it’s pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.”

“Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch.”

“Denny’s has a slogan, ‘If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.’ If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks.”

“The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.”

Mysteries …

“I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.”

“America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won’t cross the street to vote.”

“I can’t understand why women are OK that J.C. Penney has an older women’s clothing line named, ‘Sag Harbor.’” 

Marriage …

“The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T. Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.”

And finally, a profound offering from the late George Carlin … this one lives on my desktop …

“Here’s all you have to know about men and women: Women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”

I’m a Memphian, and I don’t know about you, but I started today smiling.

Dan Conaway, a communication strategist and author of “I’m a Memphian,” can be reached at dan@wakesomebodyup.com.

PROPERTY SALES 61 61 6,453
MORTGAGES 46 46 4,081
BUILDING PERMITS 113 113 15,474
BANKRUPTCIES 19 19 3,289