VOL. 131 | NO. 31 | Friday, February 12, 2016
Timeout For Fresh Quotes
By Dan Conaway
THE SPORTS QUOTES YOU HAVEN’T HEARD. While the Super Bowl, Iowa and New Hampshire are behind us, the rest of the primaries, the general election, and a million tired sports analogies and metaphors are regrettably still in front of us … as in, we’re still in the early innings.
I’m calling in some relief, a few sports quotes friends have sent me that I’m guessing you haven’t heard ad nauseam.
Talking-head post-game/primary/poll analysis:
“I won’t know until my barber tells me on Monday.” – Knute Rockne, when asked why Notre Dame had lost a game
“I have discovered in 20 years of moving around the ballpark, that the knowledge of the game is usually in inverse proportion to the price of the seats.” – Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox owner
“Last year we couldn’t win at home and we were losing on the road. My failure as a coach was
that I couldn’t think of anyplace else to play.” – Harry Neale, professional hockey coach
“We were tipping off our plays. Whenever we broke from the huddle, three backs were laughing and one was pale as a ghost.” – John Breen, Houston Oilers
“I found out that it’s not good to talk about my troubles. Eighty percent of the people who hear them don’t care and the other 20 percent are glad you’re having them.” – Tommy Lasorda, LA Dodgers manager
“The film looks suspiciously like the game itself.” – Bum Phillips, New Orleans Saints, after a lopsided loss to the Atlanta Falcons
“The only difference between me and General Custer is that I have to watch the films on Sunday.” – Rick Venturi, Northwestern football coach
On game/campaign plans:
“I’m working as hard as I can to get my life and my cash to run out at the same time. If I can just die after lunch Tuesday, everything will be perfect.” – Doug Sanders, professional golfer
“When it’s third and ten, you can have the milk drinkers; I’ll take the whiskey drinkers every time.” – Max McGee, Green Bay Packers receiver
“I have a lifetime contract. That means I can’t be fired during the third quarter if we’re ahead and moving the ball.” – Lou Holtz, then Arkansas football coach
“My theory is that if you buy an ice-cream cone and make it hit your mouth, you can learn to play tennis. If you stick it on your forehead, your chances aren’t as good.” – Vic Braden, tennis instructor
“Blind people come to the ballpark just to listen to him pitch.” – Reggie Jackson commenting on Tom Seaver
“I tell him ‘Attaway to hit, George.’” – Jim Frey, Royals manager, when asked what advice he gives George Brett on hitting
“I don’t know. I only played there for nine years.” – Walt Garrison, Dallas Cowboys fullback, when asked if Tom Landry ever smiled
And my favorite:
“Because if it didn’t work out, I didn’t want to blow the whole day.” – Paul Hornung, Green Bay Packers running back, on why his marriage ceremony was before noon.
I’m a Memphian, and we will now return you to the game.
Dan Conaway, a communication strategist and author of “I’m a Memphian,” can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.