VOL. 129 | NO. 169 | Friday, August 29, 2014
By Dan Conaway
KICKING IT OFF. Here we go again. Some years ago, I found myself at a tailgate party in downtown Tuscaloosa. Even though the game wasn’t until that afternoon and it was only mid-morning, there were plenty of people well into their cups.
One particular middle-aged fan, holding one of those cups and already completely basted in its contents, leaned forward in his crimson chair – the nylon strained by his amply rolling tide – and said to no one in particular, “This game is way too f–ing important to be left up to 19-year-olds.”
In the inappropriate spirit of that moment, I offer the following to commemorate the beginning of the insanity that is another college football season in the South, something to insult everyone just to get us going. Since Memphis is a crossroads of fandom, I’ve looked at what my friends sent me even before the first kickoff and chosen something special for every SEC school and the University of Memphis.
Feel free to re-assign schools as you see fit.
The Georgia coach on one of his players: “He doesn’t know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, he doesn’t know the meaning of a lot of words.”
Why do Tennessee fans wear orange? So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.
What does the average Alabama player get on ACTs and SATs? Drool.
How many South Carolina freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb? None. That’s an upper-division course.
How did the Mississippi State football player die from drinking milk? The cow fell on him.
Two Ole Miss football players were walking in the woods. One of them said, “Look, a dead bird.” The other looked up in the sky and said, “Where?”
What do they put on the bottom of Coke bottles in College Station, Texas? Open other end.
What do you say to a University of Kentucky football player dressed in a three-piece suit? “Will the defendant please rise… .”
If three Florida football players are in the same car, who’s driving? The cop.
How can you tell if an Auburn football player has a girlfriend? There’s tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup.
What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room? A full set of teeth.
LSU Coach Les Miles is only going to dress half of his players for the game this week. The other half will have to dress themselves.
What do you do if you find a former Missouri football player on your porch? Pay him for the pizza.
If Vanderbilt is actually all about academics, why do they even play football? There has to be something an English major can do.
How is the Memphis football team like a possum? They play dead at home and get killed on the road.
Now, let’s all shake hands and get on with it.
I’m a Memphian, and it’s football time in Tennessee.
Dan Conaway is a lifelong Memphian, longtime adman and aspiring local character in a city known for them. Reach him at firstname.lastname@example.org.