Old Ads Still Funny

By Vic Fleming

Cleaning off a shelf, I came across the 2005 issue of “Uncle John’s Fast-Acting, Long-Lasting Bathroom Reader.” This series, by the way, has been around for a quarter-century now, and I’m long overdue to order the 2012 issue: the “Fully Loaded 25th Anniversary Bathroom Reader.”

Anyhow, within the pages of this 8-year-old book, I found a page titled “Getting Personal,” on which was a series of actual ads that had me laughing out loud in a matter of seconds. Maybe you’ll enjoy some of them as much as I did:

“Pussycat, serious, 28, seeks ugly man with middle-class lifestyle.”

“Lady Guinevere/Elizabeth Taylor/Barbara Walters seeks Huckleberry Finn/Richard Dreyfus/Picasso, or any combination of the above.”

“Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband is looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.”

“Active grandmother with original teeth seeks dedicated flosser to share corn on the cob and caramel candy.”

“Stop Fission! Naturally radiant lady with hot core will bring you to a controlled meltdown. Absolutely no nukes.”

“Ordinary man, 30, would like to meet ordinary woman.”

“Menelaus, Conqueror of Troy, wishes to meet the beautiful maiden he ravished many lifetimes ago.”

“Love-starved SWM seeking a trophy wife with upper-class looks and attitude to take to my next high school reunion.”

“Fat, flatulent, over-40, cigar-smoking redneck seeks sexy woman with big hair to cook, clean, and pick up unemployment checks.”

“White male, 50, but looks 49, seeks a person who is female and breathing.”

“DWM, 45, and uglier than a bucket of rattlesnakes. I chew tobacco, but I take my hat off at the dinner table. If you can bake an apple pie and kiss this ugly face, I want to hear from you.”

“DWM, 55, tall, fit, successful Blah, Blah, Blah; seeking appealing, romantic, Blah, Blah, Blah.”

Meanwhile, here are a few more humorous quotations that were not accepted by the word-game editors on which I’ve reported for the past couple of weeks:

“Descartes goes into a bar. ‘The usual?’ asks the bartender. ‘I think not,’ said the philosopher. Then he vanished.” – Anonymous joke writer

“Grandmothers don’t have to be smart, only answer questions like ‘Why do dogs hate cats?’ and ‘How come God isn’t married?’” –Anonymous third-grader (in Richard Lederer’s “The Gift of Age”)

“Put candles in a cake, it’s a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, and somebody’s drunk in the kitchen.” – Jim Gaffigan

“The Bible contains much that is relevant today, like Noah taking forty days to find a place to park.” – Laurence J. Peter

“You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.” – Bob Hope

Vic Fleming is a district court judge in Little Rock, Ark., where he also teaches at the William H. Bowen School of Law. Contact him at vicfleming@att.net.