23 Groans: For the Pun of It

By Dan Conaway

ONCE A PUN A TIME. If it’s held up by this column, I’m about to be robbed of my reputation. Forgive the pun.

Every one of us is occasionally confronted, even assaulted, by puns. Every one of us has at least one friend who lives by them. My golf buddy, Scoop, has one a hole. My late father-in-law, Doc, was a master of the pun – none too painful to be shared, no occasion or group inappropriate for the sharing.

Sometimes, I just have to get them out of my system.

So Scoop and Doc, these 23 are for you, in no particular order, the way another friend sent them to me:

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He had too much pi. 2. I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it was just an optical Aleutian. 3. She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still. 4. A rubber-band pistol was confiscated in algebra class. It was a weapon of math disruption. 5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it remains stationery. 6. A dog gave birth near the road and was cited for littering. 7. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. 8. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it. 9. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 10. Atheism is a non-prophet institution. 11. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack. One said to the other: “You stay here; I’ll go on a head.” 12. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me. 13. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: “Keep off the Grass” 14. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. 15. A backward poet writes inverse. 16. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes. 17. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine. 18. A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says, “I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed.” 19. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, “Dam!” 20. Two Eskimos in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too. 21. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, “I’ve lost my electron.” The other says, “Are you sure?” The first replies, “I’m positive.” 22. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

And – please hold your applause – finally:

23. A person sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

I’m a Memphian, and I did this column for the pun of it.

Dan Conaway is a lifelong Memphian, longtime adman and aspiring local character in a city known for them. Reach him at dan@wakesomebodyup.com.